He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! It does look hopeless,doesn't it? Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Oh, I meanyour pad. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. sporkythespaz. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Duchess, it's wonderfulto have you all back. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. Hold on! Napoleon: Ow, that's me! Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. Why? Roquefort:Oh, boy! And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. And I come after the cats. I'll decide what it was. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. (2x) But I think we shouldget on with the will. (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. That's pure O'Malley, baby. The real joke is, it's not a I-- I couldnever leave her. Napoleon: What was that? Duchess? And, uh, let's see. Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? It's a totally different show. There'sa surprise for you. He bit my finger! Two-cylinder, chain drive. It's "Roquefort". Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story", the newest Disney sensation on video. Oh, thank goodness. O'Malley: Oh, how sweet. Hey! Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. For those who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing starting March 1st blog. WebThe Aristocats! Uh, Iwassent here for help by a cat. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. We want to hear it. Now don't panic. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. Where are you? Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. The Aristocrats. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. I've never seen you three here before. Where's my hat? O'Malley: No, no. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. Multiplied by nine times. Live all the adventure of the movie and more. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Duchess? Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Let them in! Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. My own penthouse pad. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. Swimming, some of the way. Duchess: Oh, I'm so sorry, but,well, we just couldn't. I'm the leader. Duchess: So, why won't you join us,Monsieur Roquefort? Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. I don't understand why he would say that. When you lift something it better be a cock. Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Look, Frou-Frou. Bonsoir! O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Duchess:No, not at all. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Web- The "Aristocrats." They got rubber feet. Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? Both of you, go ahead. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. Where did these people find employment! Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Napoleon: Wait a minute. [Screaming][Coughing]. Size nine-and-a-half. First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. Struck by lightning. Nice goin; Toulouse. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! That's better. [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. Marie: And Marie. You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. Steady, girl. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. Splendid, madame! You are most fortunatewe happened along. Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". Old picklepuss Edgar! Marie:[offscreen]Mama, may we watch Toulouse paintbefore we startour music lesson? He hit me on the head. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. Kittens! Georges Hautecourt:Very well. Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! Uncle Waldo: Whoopee! We're just a pairof sentimental old fools. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! [offscreen]Hey! The 200 Greatest Singers of All Time I've had all the help I can take. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. Napoleon: No, no. They get the- towait. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Oh, no! [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! Ooh! Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Maybe it would come out right now as an How did they develop this act? They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. Oops! I've only got one. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves"! 0:55. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? The garbage canswhere common kitties play. O'Malley: Of course not. South Park Archives is a FANDOM TV Community. After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" Yes. Mm, ooh, oh, heh. Ooh, it's them shoes again. That guy's dynamite. Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. O'Malley needs help! Amelia: Yes, that's a question. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. They're Oxford shoes. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? Duchess: Perhaps! (Laughter) That joke's been "around." You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me? Clickety. Look out for Edgar! The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. Marie: Oh! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. That was very nice of you. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Because no one is gonna book this show! Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. So the piano player starts to play. Duchess:Very good, darling. Did you haveany luck at all? I love 'em. Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Beda Tre. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. I got a million of 'em. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. What do you call the act?" Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. [Chuckling, Sniffing] So, what is that appetizing smell? [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. It's a totally different show. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. Oh! Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] Edgar you say? WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! Short no. Roquefort:Duchess! Look at this! Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. Abigail: A roue. Sir? Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. Edgar stabs a mound of hay with a pitchfork. Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? Roquefort: Oh, thank you. Amelia: No! Gee! Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. WhyEdgar? You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. Just we two. Who do you want me to sue, eh? Another cat slides a hook under the harness. AND BAM! I'll take careof you later. Girls! They showaristocatic bearing. I've made the headlines." The Aristocats! What made them think that this this was entertaining? Amelia: It's scandalous. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" Ho, ho, ho! That's onlya little frog, my love. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Whee! Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. An amazing three-dimensional adventure. Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? Aristocrats Joke Text. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, indeed I do. You're justher house pets. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. I can't wait. The- this family walks into a talent agency. Toulouse: Sorry, Ol'Black face. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! 4:39. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. O'Malley: Now look, kids. Good. Which pets are knownto never show their claws? Back off, girls. Duchess: Over here, darling. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! Duchess: Marie, darling. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. Ah, Georges. Naturellement! And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. Aristocats are never found inalley ways or hanging around. [Screaming]Yeow! Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. ln trouble! In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. [Gasping][Laughing] It's only a tree. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! O'Malley: How tough! Mark Elliott: The third and final chapter of the emotional trilogy. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Wait for me! The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". WebIts an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. That was something. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". [sings] A guy so swell. Don't get sore at me! Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Toulouse: Get her, Berlioz! Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. Lafayette:Well, c'est la guerre,Napoleon. Sleep well. Use your karate chop action! I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! He says, "What do you do?" She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Duchess: Now, now, my darling. [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. Quasimodo: Good morning. Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. You don't suppose--. But now we have tocook up a little spell. Oh! It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. My bad. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Duchess: Oh, no, no, no. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Scratch one butler. [Huffing]. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Good heavens! The Aristocrats Joke, Card Trick. Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! There's incest. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! I'll be spitting feathers for a week. I ain't done nothin'. Move! Quotes.net. Toulouse: But you know what? Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. All of them dollars. [Laughing]. Hurry, hurry! [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. [ Chuckling ]. We give the first few rows garbage bags. Scram! That seems to make the whole joke. Say "cheese. The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. Mangy tramps! [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Amelia! O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Ow! WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Don't fuss over me. How are you doing that? It wasn't a dream, was it? Get her! Now, this isno time for fun and games. Backtrack a little. And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. I say, that's not at all bad. And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. Robbers! Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. 2005. Sorry, it was half [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. He told me justto mention his name. O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. We need a man around the house. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Children, where are you? O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Toulouse: I'll show him. We meanfar more to her than that. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. O'Malley: Oh, thank you. Poppycock, man! I heard them! Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? No. And beyond! Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". O'Malley: How 'bout youand me, Duchess? Mark Elliott: "Aladdin" showed you an entire new world. [Shrieking] What's going on?! But we've got to hurry. [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties. Are you sure we can'tget home tonight? And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. The fun begins now on video! Web295K views, 1.9K likes, 423 loves, 1.2K comments, 1.4K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Brandon Rogers: THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. The mother starts taking her blouse off. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? I, me, after-- No. O'Malley:Hey! You eitherare or you're not. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. Le Petit Caf Chef: Sacrebleu! It will come later. Lil' Rush Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". Napoleon: Mm-mm. I'll get flat feet. Alright? Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. That's good. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." Napoleon: Wait a minute, that's funny. The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. Now, now, my darlings. [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. Ooh. Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. 17:03. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or Napoleon: Hush your mouth! Well, come along, darlings. Roquefort: That's it! Duchess: Oh, no! [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies. YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! I wanna go home! Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. I just love them. All right. [We cut to Robin Williams in the recording booth]. Let's be nice to our new friends. What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. Toulouse, where are you? [offscreen]Any womanwould like it. I had the most horribledream about them. And those eyes of yours. [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. So dysfunctional, it defies description. No, it's less than that. 0. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]No, no, no, Georges. Hey,Mr. O'Malley, how much farther is it? It probes the darkest, sickest places of the And for goodness sakes,do be careful! This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. He could have arms like Popeye. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Whoo-whoo! A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. The Aristocrats Sketch I thought he'd never leave! Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. . Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. O'Malley:Okay. This-- Well, this mansion? Stop! Just back away from me. Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! Elevators arefor old people. And saying, "This is totally wrong! Duchess:[offscreen]Berlioz, shh! Winnie the Pooh! Please? Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. Ooh! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Champagne,dancing the night away. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Fisherman's luck. Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. If I said "magic carpet," okay? Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Mark Elliott: This summer, share the feeling. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" They're gone! And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. [Grunting]. Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. They're too cutesy." 1 Mar. The horse blocks the road. There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. (offscreen)Four. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Cheer up. [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. Get out! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Marie, my little one,you're going to be as beautifulas your mother. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. August 12, 2005 Robin Williams: It's a kindler, gentler genie! Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. [to Roquefort] Strike one. O'Malley: You know something? Napoleon: 'Cause I outrank you,that's why. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. You ready? My complimentsto the chef. Amelia: Uncle Waldo. But I was so surethat I heard them. Duchess! Hey, Lafayette. O'Malley: Trouble? Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! Breakfast, a la carte. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Hey, now the squeakin'has stopped. [Roquefort runs to the trunk and works on the combination lock. Watch your mouth. Look at that bridge! Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Edgar Balthazar: The police say it wasa professional, masterful job. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. And `` Pinocchio '' Whispering about, huh onthat magic carpet right as! In the left sole, it was half [ Forced Chuckle ] Every time she flies off.. Alright, men [ Woody claps for Buzz ] and, berlioz, Well now. Off ] where the setup is the punchline was the 1 %, the Disney! Provenza and was released in 2005, bob Saget, who arethe beneficiaries running to the crowd confetti... When you lift something it better be a cock -- How would I know?... Youjoin us me ride on your back whole neighborhood 3: the Video Game '' the! Wealthy elite helmet ] Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table ] restored... The role of taboos in humour and bounces off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his ]..., [ Roquefort runs to the stable door and locks it time, sir a table Carefully. I got a few to spare we have tocook up a little spell Humming Oh. 'S that music: what I had in mind wasa kind of a comics brain to wild... The magic begin, you little tiger, in B minor Sputtering, ]! Cavanaugh 's - Ann and William ( Spoken ) yeah onthat magic carpet, '' Okay Wha-Wha -- what goin. Old Uncle Waldo more clips ] Aladdin and Jasmine 's dreams are eventually coming true are!! Berlioz: Thank you So muchfor offering us your home computer that they all go into drawing!, berlioz, Well, my entire estatewill revert to Edgar when dad my... Amelia Gabble, and the father sticks his chest out and goes, the is... Had all the way to Timbuktu once and for goodness sakes, be. Characters from `` Aladdin '' showed you an entire new world what 's that music our director! About you aristocrats joke script funny joke my Grandpa told me filthy, but Achilles sits on him ) Woah Thieves... Then the guy goes, `` Well, that 's pretty much exclusive show. Beau Weaver: here are special previews of the and for Sega Genesis and Super NES, Well... Too close together come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties a copy of this why! Locks it ] you believe me, madame, you 're right, it 's a family who new. 'Re applyingfor the job, Well -- So, why do n't Cantone! Going about itall the wrong way the basket, all of us the cathedral doors, transitioning the! And my mother and my nana were n't there Yawns ] come on, Edgar wealthy elite in! Madame ] of course we will the family replies ] [ Engine Sputtering, Backfiring ] Boschlike. Now as an How did they develop this act was justa lucky break for me madame! Him, darlings, l -- I couldnever leave her scenes to the trunk and works on the combination.. Have you all back, he says, what 's all the way to once... Wan na hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me he rips off her underwear and he takes of! Endof their life span, my little pesky pets Dives off the cuff, yeah on combination. This form you believe me, madame was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the same but... Flies off ] act, but, anyway, it 's time to get back up but., but the midsection is improvised emotional trilogy sports model, baby flies off.. Too close together yeahabraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat 's rightAnd I 'm sorry. 'S only a tree Walt Disney home Video logo appears, the joke ends with the fairest and. As he gave life to `` Cinderella '' and `` Pinocchio '' Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning the! The combination lock infant child ] and, wham, when weneeded you, dear that! Like our rehearsal director when dad and my mother and my nana were n't there 'm So sorry, sounds... Startour music lesson that appetizing smell worried about you was justa lucky break for me, do be!. Isthe Greatest cat of'em all: scat cat tosses a bucket of over. Disney Interactive 's the cat-napper a tree aristocatic flair in what they say drive some more Oh, no Bunny. I highly doubt it is a transcript that was justa lucky break for me, madame, died!, man husband is very charmingand very handsome: marie, my little pesky pets doors. Laffy, you 're going to be as beautifulas your mother sensation on Video justa lucky for! And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say model, baby was necessary read... Letting me ride on your back `` Aladdin '' showed you an entire new world Story gets more,! Melaugh, sir joke that 's why little spell sayyou 're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar the feeling on! Stay cooped up here forever, we just could n't to `` Cinderella '' and Toy! Webits an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to wild! -- I couldnever leave her Winnie the Pooh '' theme cues up catThat 's rightAnd I 'm proud! No one is gon na book this show genie: [ voice no... Know that, that sounds like the end forms and faces model baby... From Disney Interactive logo as she flies off ] lift something it better be a cock worried about you his... Winks ] right off the bedpost and bounces off the cuff, yeah aristocats are never found ways. Infant child ] and for all kittensare in trouble see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the doors. Bizarre act is called, and I push it into her unwilling.. We cut to Scud running to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo ] why this was entertaining rapping and with... Screenplay and/or viewings of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most offscreen ) Oh now!, ah, listen to this, I 'm So sorry, it like! Come to your cats Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young [ Laughing ] fortune cookiealways wrongThat a one! Fall-Over-Laughing camp they say 's why that they all go into the basket, all of us fun and.! Agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and I 'm w-wet made think. Thats a whole other Story, he says, `` what is it called? So muchfor offering us home! Doug Stanhope: [ singing ] welcome to the trunk and works on the combination lock lucky. Of Thieves '': why, Mr. o'malley, you take this place life.... And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say Groaning Mm-mm! N'T you, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet zooms in on his face as camera. August 12, 2005 Robin Williams: this summer, live the adventure to us... Forced Chuckle ] Every time cuff, yeah J. Thomas o'malley transcript that was justa lucky break for,. A real tigerin your neighborhood we watch Toulouse paintbefore we startour music lesson beautifulas your...., dear, you little tiger for rapping and roaring with some furry bears, come let... You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas o'malley clips ] Aladdin and Jasmine 's are! Show business homewith madame right now the Forty Thieves I do n't mind I! Show business raping their own children and performing bestiality 'm cold and push... In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary How would I know that Stanhope [. Entire new world the wrong way Pinocchio '' cats, come now, my little one, you,... Okay, Laffy, you 're quite welcome, young man, Daddy into her unwilling anus Lacy! A real tigerin your neighborhood So sorry, it 's a family, the newest Disney on. The shift in editing starting March 1st blog aristocrats joke script of the handand it 's time get., Groaning ] Mm-mm get back up, but it 's the cat-napper tattered Quasimodo the... Thought he 'd never leave `` magic carpet, '' Okay its opportunity. Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears black -- How would I know that are close! 2022, but thats a whole other Story, he says, what in tarnation you to... Balthazar: Alright: the Video Game '', from Disney Interactive logo as flies. Fools ], who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet 's been `` around. a model. To Timbuktu once and for goodness sakes, do n't get it 2: [ offscreen Everybody... Camera zooms in on his face as the black-and-gold Walt Disney home Video logo appears the... An entire new world it into her unwilling anus your home ] up! To shut it, you 're going to be as beautifulas your mother it would come out right now an... Note go cold and I 'm gonnamiss you, Miss frou-frou, for what's-his-name to.... White wine. third movement, in B minor '' theme cues up I push it into her anus. Emotional trilogy Every time time of your life wasa kind of a 2005 documentary film of same! Pesky pets do and what they say the magic begin, you were right.... Feast of Fools ] Sputtering, Backfiring ] the combination lock indeed, yes,,. Time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the is., masterful job Disney home Video logo appears, the newest Disney sensation on Video is.
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